Suicide is the third leading cause of death for people aged 15 to 24, according to 2007 statistics. That’s horrible, and that statistic doesn’t need to exist.
I’m hoping that you’re reading this not because you need it for yourself as much as to help others out. If you do need help for yourself, please read this and take it seriously, and pay special attention to the first reason I mention that it’s a terrible idea. Please know that suicide is never—I repeat, never—the right answer for whatever is wrong or painful. It’s the worst choice possible.
First, things will be better and there is help available. When you get older, your life gets bigger. We understand our problems better and they don’t seem as big and overpowering anymore. Good things will happen, and you’ll get some perspective on whatever is so hard now. So time is on your side—just give time a chance. It WILL get better.
Plus, look around for help. If your first attempts at getting help didn’t work well, give it another try. There is someone positioned out there right now who can help you. Look in different places than before—you’ll find what you need.
Other thoughts, all of which are true and one of which might hit home:
- If you believe in God, this is a terrible way to meet Him.
- Whatever thoughts you are thinking that lead you in the direction of suicide are either lies or partial truths that are all twisted around. Don’t believe lies.
- Some people call suicide a selfish thing to do. Here is why: It doesn’t end the pain—it just magnifies it and then TRANSFERS IT TO OTHER PEOPLE. Suicide only kills you. Your pain lives on, tormenting others, sometimes for the rest of their lives. Don’t do that to others. Find a way to kill the pain, preferably by getting to the root of it.
Suicide is a seductive monster inside a dark and scary room, calling you inside. Just slam that door in the monster’s face and look around for a better way out. You’ll find it.
Time is a funny thing. When we’re young, we often think of it as our enemy, or what we have to get through to get to real living. We can’t wait until that next milestone–and when we’re young, that milestone (16, 18, 21, etc.) usually allows us to do something we couldn’t do before. So we don’t see the value of time and how to best use it because we just want to get it behind us.
But time can be our friend if we know how to look at it and how to make it work for us. Let me give you just two examples:
Relationships. Time can be the biggest gift you can give to someone you are in a relationship with, or want a relationship with. Control freaks push, insecure people push, but folks acting like grown-ups can take a breath and trust that time can be a creative force. It can allow for thoughts and feelings to fall into place in a healthy way. It can allow for deep problems that will need attention to come to the surface so they can be dealt with (and make the relationship better). It can allow a new and growing couple to get past those fun, wonderful, silly early phases of infatuation and dreams, and can bring them to a place of reality and real love, if that’s really where they want to go. As I’ve told my kids and all the folks I’ve counseled over the years, I don’t know anyone who regretted taking their time in a relationship, and literally EVERYONE who rushed a relationship has told me they lived to regret it, even if they ended up together permanently.
Doing schoolwork, especially papers. There is this wonderful thing that we all have that’s called the back of our brain. It’s an underutilized part of a student that could be of tremendous help if it were ever allowed to operate. And what it needs to work is time, which has to be carved out of the time we all have. An example: What I tell my film students to do when writing a paper for me is to pick the topic they are going to cover, pick the film, and then see the movie once. Then I suggest that they take a few notes, and PUT THEM AWAY for a few days. What will likely happen is that, feeding on the gift of time, the back of the brain will put wonderful and creative thoughts together without the person being conscious of it. When they sit down to write the paper, they are usually shocked at how much of the paper has already been composed without their paying attention. The paper almost writes itself (or close to it).
If you’re one of those people that rushes relationships, relax and watch what the gift of time will give both of you. If you’re a student, realize that “I work better under pressure” is a myth, and that a little self-discipline with time can make life easier and will likely give you a better result. Try it sometime. And let me know what happened.
This site is dedicated to three groups of people.
First, there is the group of people that need to grow up and at least ACT like a grown-up. These include people who really want to, but didn’t have much help in that area (like yours truly), and people who could use some tips (not you, of course, but people you know….).
The second group is those that are genuine grown-ups now, and love remembering when they weren’t.
The third is those who are also genuine grown-ups, and need to send these blogs to those whose immaturity is driving them nuts.
Note: Other sites by the author at www.markdupre.com and www.film-prof.com.
You don’t have to work against deadlines. You can work with them. Again, time is your friend if you know how to work with it.
Try this, and you will give yourself a big break, and find your papers and projects a lot easier over the long run. First, take the project or paper and break it into parts: What decisions do you need to make first? Then make ‘em! Honestly, that’s the hardest part—just making that first set of decisions, like what are you going to write about, or what angle are you going to take.
It’s fun to delay that sort of thing, but really, it hurts you. Decide the topic, or whatever, and then do the first few things that need to be done. For my class (on films), the students first have to decide what film element to analyze (such as lighting, color, editing, sound, camera movement, etc.), and then which film in particular to use. I urge them to decide it quickly, and then see the film with that particular element in mind to analyze. Then I tell them to go on to other things for days, or longer.
While they are doing that, the remarkable thing called “the back of your mind” actually starts to put the paper together. They discover that when they revisit the project, the paper is half-written already in their brain, and they usually end up writing a deeper, richer paper. If they wait until the last minute, they can pull off an impressive feat of doing a late night or pulling an all-nighter, but those papers are much more shallow and they haven’t learned as much. (It’s the equivalent of cramming for a test—what gets slammed into the brain at the last minute doesn’t tend to stick after the test.)
Being a college student isn’t the final goal. But being one is a real test for real life. It’s a great testing ground for every aspect of living, even if you’re not going to be in that position for very long. Being the best college student you can be can provide you with great life lessons and character traits that you can learn at a minimal cost. After all, being a jerk in college only gets you a low grade. Being a jerk in real life after college can get you into a lot more trouble!
ccccGoing to Class, College, Part Three
Do these things:
1) Keep your prof in the loop about things that seriously affect your work. I have a rather large class, and at least one person a quarter loses a grandparent. Sad but true. Having them tell me that they are traveling out of town and why makes me sympathetic and wanting to give them every break I can. When students get a canceled flight, or have some kind of family emergency, or are genuinely sick, letting me know ASAP makes me respect their sense of maturity. Hearing from a student a day or days after they don’t show up in class also sends a message. Not a good one.
2) Let them know when you’re struggling with something. The best time to do this is NOT the day or evening before something is due. This sends a message that you are an irritant. Don’t do that. Nothing makes this professor happier here than when someone asks for help in a way that show they have actually started working on the paper or project in question.
3) Learn how time be your friend. It can be—really! It seems like we make time our enemy in our culture, and having lots of deadlines in your college life can make it seem that way for you as a student. But time can actually work for you, if you are willing to make some changes in the way you do things. If time is money (and it is), then discovering how to make time work for you is like found money.
Next up: How you can make time work for you.
Going to Class, College, Part Two
We talked about going to class. Let’s talk about BEING in class. I will fully admit that I’m speaking now as a prof.
Here’s how you identify yourself to your professor:
If you come in and sit toward the front, it might be that you are hard of hearing or completely deaf (as is the case at my university, which has many deaf and hard-of-hearing students). But it probably means that you actually want to learn (more probable) or that you are a suck-up (much less probable, but possible). If you place yourself in the middle, you’re kind of interested, but opting to disengage if you want. If you come in and sit right down in the back row, it means that you 1) don’t really care about the class, 2) want to sleep or go away to your happy place quite often, 3) want to continue your day-long conversation uninterrupted. This last way is the best way to signal to your professor that you’re not interested
Do not do these things:
1) Surf the web during class. It’s really, really rude. Plus you can’t surf and learn at the same time. And it can be very distracting to those around you.
2) Don’t text. It’s really, really rude. Plus you can’t text and learn at the same time.
3) Keep talking at a good level of volume once the class starts. It’s really, really rude, etc.
4) Keep giving your professor the same excuses about how busy you are and why you can’t get your work done. Your prof is probably at least as busy as you are, and may not be all that removed from his/her college experience that he/she can’t remember how much time is dedicated to extra-curricular activities. We all have the same 24 hours in the day. And others are getting their work done on time, so you probably can, too. (It’s really just a matter of priorities most of the time.)
Next time: What you should do.
Going to Class, College, Part One
College is a whole different thing from high school. If you’re in college, you know exactly what I mean. If not, you’ll see.
This chapter is going to be WAY more specific than the high school one. All the other chapters in the book relate to you in the rest of your college life, so this will focus on the title issue—going to class. Here we go:
Go to class. Well, duh! No, not duh. Lots of people don’t go, especially toward the end of the semester. That either hurts you or makes the professor ticked, or both. As a professor, I don’t really care personally, but I know how much the students miss when they blow off class, and that always hurts them in quizzes and tests, and ends up hurting their final grade.
I understand the pressure at the end of a semester, and how much time is needed for projects and papers. But it’s really just bad planning most of the time, and going to class is actually the most effective use of your time.
When you get married, FORM A HOUSEHOLD. Live on your own, and pay all your own bills. I live in a community where premarital counseling is more common than not, and have untold numbers of stories of people who are happy they did it because they can actually see the problems that have being avoided. So if you can avail yourself of some, you’re doing yourself the happiest favor. But definitely consider waiting until you can be your own family, paying your own bills and able to survive as a unit on your own. If that means that you should finish school first, then do it. If that means that you should get established in your career first, then do it.
Someone once said that the truest sign of maturity is the ability to delay gratification. That may not be more true than with marriage. But you’re not really just delaying gratification—in the long run, you’re increasing it!
Part One talked about the importance of committing.
Now I’m really going to get crazy: Don’t get married until you can afford it. I really mean that. Just because you’re in love and just because you feel that you’re emotionally ready doesn’t mean that you are ready in other senses. If you’re going to be married, it’s best to be independent (see the upcoming “Being Weaned” for more information about what I mean). And it’s best to not have to lean on anyone for the creation and sustaining of your new household but the two of you.
Some people think two can live as cheaply as one. That’s, to be kind, dumb. A few things are cheaper, but holding that sentiment is a dangerous indicator that you’re living in unreality and should postpone marriage even longer! Some people are just impatient—they so want to get married to 1) have sex, or have it more regularly, 2) finally live together, 3) be away from parents, or 4) be part of a romantic dream, where longing is a more significant factor than common sense or money. It’s a selfish age, and we are told to have what we want as soon as want, and that is probably the worst way to approach marriage.
Marriage is great and I don’t feel a need to sell you on it. It’s a great idea that few people really do well, but that’s beside the point. It’s still a great idea. It’s also the foundation of our society.
There are so many things that can be said when you think about being married. I only have two things to say here. First, check out my blogs “Finish What You Start” (Jan. 10 and 17). Marriage is first of all a commitment, not just a declaration of love, no matter how genuine. Actually committing to a lifelong relationship is the best way to start a marriage. If you are committed to making it through until death, you will add an ingredient to your marriage that living together—or thinking that divorce is your back-door option–can never give you. That commitment will take you through more of the rough times than you might think. And surviving those rough times brings perspective and wisdom. And you’re gonna need those!
So if you’re hesitant, and can’t see spending the rest of your life with this person, don’t. Or at least don’t yet. It’s the commitment that keeps the love alive—even through the times you don’t feel it. It’s not the other way around.